Please let me know what you think of the flow of the piece, character development, am I doing too much telling and not enough showing? Is it entertaining, or are you forcing yourself to read through the piece. If you could be brutally honest about these questions, and whatever critiques you want to include, it'd be much appreciated. Sorry it's a tad long, but I just didn't feel I could break it up into two segments. Thanks for reading!
The full-length mirror hanging on Veronica Montgomery’s bedroom wall had become her arch-nemesis. Every time she walked past the reflective glass all she saw was ugly, ugly, ugly. Long limbs, disproportionate to the rest of her body, gave her the look of an ape dragging it’s arms in the dirt. Her murky brown eyes disappeared when compared against her lifeless hair, making both seem rather bland. Like any fifteen year old, Veronica was dealing with the roller coaster called puberty. Veronica’s skin was afflicted with unsightly pimples. To top it off she had a bubble butt and wore padded bras.
Glaring at her appearance, Veronica noticed an army of blackheads that had congregated in the crevices of her nose and the dimple in her chin. Frustrated, she huffed out of her bedroom and down the stairs to the kitchen. It seemed all of her anxieties could be solved with cheese, pasta, and red meat. Unfortunately, Veronica’s older sister happened to be in the kitchen munching on a carrot like Bugs Bunny.
Veronica began rummaging around in the fridge trying to ignore the epitome of perfection perched on the kitchen counter behind her.
“Whatcha doing?” Victoria’s singsong voice pierced Veronica’s ears, making her tense up.
Veronica turned around, disgusted by the sight of her sister’s gorgeously long, tan legs encased in black leggings. Her dainty toes were painted red and Victoria wiggled them at her.
“I’m hungry,” Veronica grumbled, unloading an armful of ingredients.
“Well, can you not make too big of a mess? I have a date coming over soon and I don’t want him to think I live in a total sty.” Victoria crunched aggressively on her carrot.
“Whatever.” Veronica crossed over to the pantry and found a blue box with “pizza crust” written across it in red bold letters. She followed the directions, dough splattering up onto her dark purple t-shirt.
“You know if you took care of your appearance with the same dedication you put towards your cooking, you’d be really pretty,” Victoria commented, her own skin blemish-free due to a rigorous hygiene ritual.
“I’m pretty sure your little spa treatments can’t do much for me,” Veronica argued, smashing a can of whole tomatoes to a bloody pulp. Each tomato made a sickening squishing sound and Veronica wondered if that was the sound her sister’s head would do if she smashed it.
“Come on, let me do a makeover. Avocado oil treatment for your hair, a pore refining mask for your face-” She was getting excited now and hopped off the counter. Her gold top shimmered in the light and the fabric seductively grazed each curve. Victoria picked up her sister’s hands. “A manicure would help. Ugh, look at those cuticles.”
Veronica pulled her hand away and glanced at her ragged cuticles. “Okay, but do you have a solution for my boobs?” She gestured at her flat chest, “I don’t think there is some miracle goop you can rub on my chest that will magically grow those for me.”
“You’re just a late bloomer. Don’t worry those will come with time.” Victoria patted her on the shoulder as if that was supposed to comfort her.
“Sure.” Veronica shrugged her off, ripping cellophane off a hunk of mozzarella. She pulled off a bite-size piece and popped it into her mouth. The creamy, saltiness of the cheese exploded on her taste buds and Veronica closed her eyes, savoring the flavor.
“Ugh.” Victoria pulled the cheese out of her hands and eyed it like it was a moldy old sock. “You know, your skin would look so much better if you didn’t fill yourself with junk.”
Veronica reclaimed the cheese, holding it possessively in her hands. “You know, who asked for your opinion? I just want to make a pizza.” Angry, she tore the cheese in huge pieces, randomly plopping it down on her chunky tomato sauce. When she reached for a huge knife to slice the pepperoni, Victoria backed up out of arm’s reach.
“I was just saying.” Victoria held up her hands as if to fend off her sister.
“Well, don’t!” Veronica retorted, pointing the knife at Victoria to silence her. Vigorously, she moved her knife through the pepperoni, mumbling curses under her breath. Victoria slipped out of the kitchen, humming as if she hadn’t just been threatened with a seven inch knife.
What was Victoria’s problem? Didn’t Victoria know it was hard enough living under her shadow, without her getting all over Veronica’s case about her appearance? Not only was Victoria Montgomery gorgeous, she excelled at everything she did. Veronica was just good at cooking. Veronica worked methodically, topping her pizza with the thick pepperoni slices, a healthy dousing of olive oil, and several chopped cloves of garlic.
She was just putting it in the oven when her Dad walked into the kitchen, shuffling through the mail. “What are you making?” He asked tossing the mail on the kitchen counter. It skidded across the slick surface and stopped short from falling off onto the floor.
“Pizza.” Veronica pulled a block of parmesan out of the fridge and found a cheese grater in one of the cupboards. “And if you say anything about how unhealthy it is, I will scream.”
His bushy eyebrows shot up into his receding hairline. “I was just going to see if I could have a slice.”
“Sure if you can wait twenty minutes.” Veronica felt guilty about snapping at her Dad. Then she noticed a few envelopes sticking out of the mail pile. The return address was the Jefferson County School District. She felt her whole body stiffen, realizing that report cards had been sent out a week before. She would definitely need this pizza to deal with her parent’s reaction to her grades.
Victoria walked back into the kitchen, now wearing gold stilettos. Her Mom was right behind her, fussing over Victoria’s thick, luscious chocolate brown hair that cascaded down her back in a tangled mass of soft curls.
“You look great honey,” Veronica’s Mom gushed, smoothing out the back of Victoria’s slinky blouse. “Doesn’t she look great, Will?” She looked up at her husband who had just shoved an extra slice of pepperoni into his mouth.
“Oh, mmmph.” He swallowed hard. “Yeah, you look great. Where are you going?”
“I have a date, we are going to that new seafood restaurant.” Victoria’s ice blue eyes sparkled.
Veronica felt trapped in the kitchen, having to deal with her parent’s fawning over Victoria and with the report card screaming at her like a blow horn. Her fears were suddenly realized when her Mom spotted the mail.
“Is this today’s mail?” she asked crossing over to the counter.
Veronica felt herself backing up into a corner wishing she could blend in with the granite countertop and Robin’s egg blue wallpaper. A cold sweat broke out, a single bead tickling the back of her neck. Veronica’s face flushed when her Mother picked up the dreaded envelopes. “Oh hey, your report cards are in,” she said, as if it were something to celebrate. She opened one of the envelopes and Veronica couldn’t tell if it was hers or Victoria’s.
Victoria rushed over to look over her Mom’s shoulder. Veronica wished she could run away, but there was no way she was getting away from this mess.
“Oh, Victoria!” her Mother exclaimed. Great. Veronica rolled her eyes. Now she would have to follow Victoria’s perfect grades. “Straight A’s!”
“Way to go, Tori!” Her Dad patted her on the back, beaming like his favorite team had just won the Super Bowl.
Victoria turned around smiling smugly. She spotted Veronica cowering in the corner. “Come on Roni, let’s see what your grades are like.”
Veronica glared at her. Swallowing the cotton-like lump of fear in her throat, she stepped over to where her family was huddling over her unopened report card. Her Mom began to rip the envelope open and Veronica thought that time had slowed down to torture her. She held her breath as the inevitable happened. She stared at the letters lined up in a column on the right side of the paper. She was passing English, American Government, and Home Education. Every other subject she was failing horribly.
“Veronica.” The disappointment was evident in her Dad’s voice.
“Dad,” Veronica sighed. She fixated her eyes on her pink Converse tennis shoes.
“Veronica Renee Montgomery!” Her Mom shouted. “These grades are unacceptable! Why didn’t you tell us you were failing?”
Veronica could feel the salty tears stinging her eyes. Why was she the only one who saw how her parents treated her and Victoria so differently? Her life was so unfair! Suddenly, the oven timer went off and Veronica seized the opportunity to escape. Opening the oven door the whole kitchen was filled with the fragrant scent of smoky mozzarella and oregano.
“We are not done discussing this!” her Mom declared rattling the paper. Veronica removed the pizza, tuning out her parents shouting, her sister’s arrogant satisfaction, and focused on her cooking. The final touch was a sprinkling of parmesan cheese and freshly snipped basil.
“Oh, that looks great!” her Father exclaimed, excited by the sight of the melted cheese.
“Will!” Her Mom stomped her foot. “Her grades, she’s failing five classes! Veronica do you want to be held back? Don’t you think that would embarrass us? To have one daughter graduate and the other drop-out?”
Veronica didn’t hear her. She was inhaling the scent of the basil, steam hitting her face as she sliced the pizza. The doorbell rang, bringing Veronica out of her reverie. Victoria squealed, prancing out of the kitchen.
“My date is here!”
Veronica’s Mom pointed a finger in her face. “We’ll talk about this later, but don’t think you’ve gotten away with this,” she promised before making her exit.
Veronica waited for her Dad to chastise her, but instead he grabbed a slice of pizza and walked out of the kitchen without a second glance. Sighing, Veronica felt the tears she had been stifling now trickle down her cheeks. Realizing she was crying right into her pizza, she swiped at her tears.
“The only one that cares is you,” she sobbed before biting into the crispy crust.
End of chapter
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140,690 Literary Works • 673,595 Reviews
Hi Moriah Leila!
Aww I feel so bad for Veronica 
I haven't read the comments so sorry if I repeat anything
I'm not sure If I understand this completely- do you mean that her eyes blend in to her hair as they are the same colour? I'd maybe make the meaning of this sentence a bit clearer by changing the description- perhaps just saying the murky colour matched her lifeless hair.
There needs to be a comma after fridge- I really like this sentence
I'm not that keen on 'making her tense up'- perhaps something like 'her muscles tensing at the sound'.
tan needs to be tanned, I'm not sure about 'encased'. As you say she is disgusted by the sight of her gorgeously tanned legs, I wouldn't have it that she is wearing leggings too as otherwise not much of the tanned-ness would be visible.
I'm not sure if 'aggressively' fits in with what I have heard so far on Victoria- she seems like one of those people who is snide in a subtle way.
Liking the evil thoughts! I'd maybe rephrase the last part a bit though, perhaps change the and to a dash and say something like 'Veronica wondered if her sisters head being smashed in would make a similar sound.'
I wouldn't repeat cuticles here- perhaps you could just say nails the second time?
After shoulder I would add a dash or a comma.
I'd replace the second Victoria with she as we already know who you are talking about and replace under with in.
In both of these parts I noticed you used mail quite close to one another where you could replace it with letters or post.
I'd reword this a little to something like - 'She broke out in a cold sweat, a single bead trickling down the back of her neck.'
I think its good how you are creating tension here
I'd think that it wouldn't be the contrast of graduating/not graduating but rather that one daughter is succeeding so well, so maybe I'd add in 'graduate with straight A's' or something along those lines.
Instead of hitting as its a kind of violent word I'd say something about the steam wafting up from the pizza and warming her face.
'pointing a finger in her face' doesn't sound right to me somehow- maybe something about pointing angrily at her or another action. I think you could add more description as to how she leaves as well instead of just 'making her exit'.
Overall: This is definitely a good start! I think you have introduced the characters well with a good contrast between the two sisters in appearance and personalities.
Perhaps a little more description on the mother would be good so that there is a clearer image of her when she is talking to Veronica- if not how she looks then perhaps how her voice sounds. The dad I have a good idea of though so well done there
I'm interested to see where this goes and will get to the next parts as soon as I can
^=^ Here as requested, though sorry I'm late. >_< Life, you know.
Ehm, this doesn't seem very strong. Though both hair and eyes might be brown, they are each both highlighted in different ways so unless both are artificial, I don't know that they'd blend together so well. Perhaps just mention they're the same kind of color? =P
These sentences, like many others in this story, have GREAT ideas at their core. Giving specific examples of self-consciousness like saying that she wears a padded bra can really bring out Veronica's character without STATING it, which is a good way of showing and not telling. You have a lot of this in here but I don't like the execution.
Many of the sentences that contain these great phrases are poorly put together, which takes away from the impact they could have otherwise. Take this one as an example. First of all 'unsightly' is an adjective that doesn't fit with the tone of the rest of the piece, which throws the reader off to begin with (or... it threw me off at least). Second of all, 'to top it off' is a weak phrase! It just doesn't fit, which makes it seem like the rest of the sentence doesn't fit either. D: Which it SHOULD because I like it.
Consider trying to rework sentences. If they seem odd to you, even a TINY bit, the reader will probably pick up on that oddness.
I don't quite get this passage. If Veronica is so opposed to the idea of her sister and her sister helping her, why would she inquire into the procedure so earnestly? I think, if I know the character at all, that she'd make the question a bit more sarcastic, so she'd sound disinterested but still get the real answer she was going for. ^_^ You could try that.
A LOT of names in this passage. Try reworking it to make it less name-heavy? ^_^ The paragraph is so short that it really sticks out.
Hmmm, you might have noticed this when writing, but the 'she' after the dialogue is a bit confusing. It might technically refer to the mother, since she was the last person mentioned, but since Victoria is the subject of that previous sentence, we relate the whole sentence to her and think maybe she was speaking.
=[ Awww, that's sad! I thought that her dad was at least a little nice to her -- he took an interest in her cooking, did he not? =[ Aww, well, anyways...
This was a pretty good story. I really felt that you worked out the characters excellently and made them very realistic. It's a good START, but it would never stand up on its own. Luckily, I see you have more parts to the story, so hopefully they bring out some more original conflict. ^_^
Your grammar was problematic, but I'm sure you'll work on that until it's fixed. ^_^
Good job.
-Hannah-
Sorry about the mucked up quotes, but I'm too tired to fix them!
I don't get it, what's in teh box? A recipe? Also, I thought that she was having pasta, whoops![
quote] Each tomato made a sickening squishing sound and Veronica wondered if that was the sound her sister’s head would do if she smashed it.
[/quote]
This seems like a mouthfull, I think that you should make it 2 sentences.
I have to say, the Veronica/Victoria thing is getting a bit odd... just saying though!
Not too sure about this. The bold is too tellish, and the underlined is kind of irrelevent, well, the second half is anyway, but that should be a new paragraph... Sorry if that was confusing!
I don't like the word suddenly, maybe luckily or thankfully will work here, or nothing is good too!
Veronica do you want to be held back? Don’t you think that would embarrass us? To have one daughter graduate and the other drop-out?”
[quote]
Parents aren't usually as honest as this, maybe they would say something like: "We only want what's best for you, and that means that you need a good education!"
Well, over-all, it wasn't bad. Most of the stuff to be said has been said by the others. I would tell you to work on the descriptions more, or make what you're saying more realistic. When you have a chapter centered around conversation, you can usually put a break in the talking and describe what they are doing.
EG: "Come on," he urged us, as he flipped efortlessly around the bar, "Gymnastics is easy!" We took a weary glance, and unwillingly joined him on the high bar.
[/EG]
Well, tha's all! I wouldn't really say that this was a captivating chapter, you would usually start out in the heat of the action, but it really depends on what type of book it is...
Asxz out!
Here I am as requested, I hope this review helps you out, and all my comments/edits will be in bold. I also haven't looked at the other reviews so I apologise beforehand if I repeat anything... Off I go...
Last Minute Views
Your questions...
The Flow of the story
There was a good flow to the story, and each paragraph flowed into each other nicely without any jolts, so there's no worries needed in this department
Character Development
Another thing that doesn't need any work on is this also, I thought each of your characters were unique to each other, although the Mum's character was slightly hazy to me, but I'm sure that will change as the chapters go on and the characters develop more.
Telling instead of showing?
You're definitely not doing telling instead of showing, although at times it did seem as though you were trying too hard. You just need to make sure you don't go overboard with the descriptions and showing, as it can overwhelm the reader a little.
Was it entertaining?
I would say yes to this. I was amazed by how you could make a subject as seemingly dull as receiving report cards and a tense conversation between two sisters that don't understand each other as entertaining as you did, so great job!!
Overall Comments
I thought that this was a really good piece and could find hardly anything to comment on or nit pick at (which is highly unusual for me =P ), so well done on such a good piece. If you just bear in mind what I said about going overboard with descriptions and that should hopefully help you out (: . I really hope this review helped you out and good luck with continuing this piece. Any further questions you may help please don't hesitate to PM me as I'll be more than happy to help (:
Keep writing!!
--Lucyy xx
Hello, Moriah! Here as requested.
Now, because I really enjoyed reading this, I'm going to give you a hard time, ok? Don't take it personally, I just tend to be harder on pieces I like! On to the picky stuff, and then we'll get into the overall comments, alright?
Fix-Its
When writing in third person, it is wise to stay away from exclamatory sentences. Perhaps remove the three "ugly"s and replace them with "ugliness"?
If you keep the sentence the way it is, "giving" makes it a fragment. Switch it to past tense, aaand, presto! A proper sentence!
Repetition of color = not good.
Her murky brown eyes disappeared when compared against her limp hair, making both seem rather unextraordinary. Or something to that extent.
Great analogy!
Love the description here.
Beginning a sentence with a fragment is unnecessary when you already have a complete sentence. How about replacing it with something like, "To top it all off, she had the right curves..."
This should be a new line break.
Ok, this is really picky, but saying her toes are a "red color" is redundant. Just nix the "color", we already know red what red is!
"Pizza crust" should be in quotation marks.
Again, I'm being very picky, but this makes it sound like she's actually stirring the dough on her shirt. Make it clearer that she's using a bowl.
There should be a coma at the end of the dialogue. (Definitely check out that article Mars mentioned, it's great!)
Coma after dialogue and "argued".
Insert an em dash (—) after "face". An em dash is used when the speaker is too overcome with emotion to continue, or in this case, excited.
Pretty sure you meant Victoria.
1. This should be a new line break.
2. There should be a coma after the dialogue.
"She" should not be capitalized.
Robin's egg blue.
Coma after dialogue, "she" should be lowercase.
Change "was wishing" to "wished". The way it's written sounds a bit awkward.
"Her" should be lowercase.
^Here's what it should look like.
"Her" should be lowercase.
"Her" should not be capitalized.
I feel kind of like a broken record...
Great description here. (And it made me hungry!) xD
1. This should be a new line break.
2. Isn't she excited about her date? Show us! Use an exclamation mark! It is your friend!!
Coma after dialogue and "she" should be in lowercase form.
Haha. That's pretty much how my dad is. Also, there should be a coma after "Veronica waited for her dad to chastise her".
New line break.
Grammar
All I have to say is this: listen to Mars! She knows what she's talking about!
This may also be a good guide you'd benefit from reading: post487083.html#487083
Description
Not bad! A little repetitive in some places, and a tad cliche, but that's just fine! (Cliche isn't really all that bad.) Just work on expanding on your ideas rather than trying to move through description just to get it out of the way.
Originality
Hardly, but still, like I said before, I really enjoyed reading this! I'd love to continue reading more of this story. Just try and spice it up with some unexpected twists-- keeping the readers on their toes a bit is not only fun to write but fun to read!
Overall
This was funny. What made it funny was the sort of harsh reality to it. Like, each one of us is a Veronica in some way, and there will always be a Victoria-figure in our lives.
Kind of a nice moral you got going there! (Or at least that's how I figure.)
I know this was drawn-out and very picky, but if you go ahead and fix small things when people point them out, your work will be better as a whole.
PM me or post in my 'Will Review For Food' thread when more of this is up!
~anti-pop
Hello Moriah Leila! I am here with your review!
Hmm... it seems Mars has covered quite a bit. Here are my corrections:
[s]Strikethrough[/s] means delete
Bold means comments or corrections
* means see below
Grammar:
For the most part you did a great job with grammar. You need to fix your punctuation though.
Flow:
Again, good job with this. Your story flowed well except for a few missing commas and a few extra commas. You should definitely check out the link that Mars posted.
Character Development:
Now bear with me here. I'm not great with character development, but I think you need to [s]tell us[/s] show us more about your characters.
Veronica: We know that she can cook, that she's not great in school, and that she's not exactly beautiful. But what is her personality like? She seems like she is grumpy and frustrated all the time. What makes her happy What are some of her hobbies besides cooking?
Victoria: All we know is that she's pretty and gets good grades. Show us more! We want to know!
Overall:
Nice work. I would like to continue reading, but I'm not dying to hear the next part. Make this a little more quirky or something. It is a rather common plot, but if you are creative it will become much more interesting. PM me when you post the next part!
I hope this was somewhat helpful. If you have any questions please PM me!
-Winter
Heya, Moriah Leila! Here as you requested.
Anyway, definitely continue, and I hope this helped at least a little bit. PM me if you have questions or anything!
First of all, the grammar isn't completely up to par. Mostly, you're missing a few commas, and there was one place where I'm pretty sure you meant Victoria and wrote Veronica. These are pretty easy to fix, so I advise you to read it out loud so that you can make sure you have caught everything. You can insert a comma wherever you would naturally pause.
Also, I think I need to give you a quick dialogue grammar tutorial:
"Hello." She said. = WRONG.
"Hello," she said. = RIGHT.
If you need more info, there's an article here.
Okay, good, grammar = done.
I like your opening sentence a lot, but I have a problem with the rest of that paragraph. I understand that her appearance is a big factor in the story, but it feels like you're being mean to Veronica. And, being a teenage girl, I think that we always tend to think we're uglier than we really are? So I'd rather it read something like, She saw limp, lifeless hair... instead of just stating it. Because she might hate her hair, but someone else might love it. (And, regarding the sentence I just quoted, limp and lifeless mean the same thing, so you don't need both.)
My point is underlined by the fact that we, the readers, are supposed to feel sympathy for Veronica, but we can't if the author doesn't. Eek. I hope that makes sense.
Moving on! Descriptions are tricky. And, while your description with Veronica could work, the Victoria one definitely doesn't. Because it's what's called an info dump.
(Nooo! Not an info dump! Anything but that!)
Yeah. Basically, you can't just dump all the info on the reader, you have to sneak it in so that the reader doesn't know you're giving it to them. Think of it this way: upon entering a room, would Veronica immediatly notice everything about Victoria? No, because they see each other every day--Victoria is familiar, so Veronica would have stopped registering her appearance a long time ago, you know? So instead, try and integrate the description in with some action. For example:
Jesse was wearing an olive green coat and a blue and green shirt. He had a super-cute smile.
No! Bad! Info dump!
Jesse walked into the health classroom, his olive green coat swishing behind him. He grinned at Hannah, who melted into the hard plastic of her chair.
Okay, bad writing, but good example. You get what I'm saying, now, right?
Moving on!
Overall, I like this. I like it a lot. I think, though, your characters seem a little bit 2-D, if that makes sense? Like, you have the perfect sister and the one who's not paid enough attention, and the oblivious parents. They're all kind of overused. And that's okay, but then you have to work a little harder to still make them different, you know? Right now I know barely anything of Veronica that isn't about her sister, so I wish there was a section that had nothing to do with Victoria.
Of course, this is Chapter one, no? So maybe I'm rambling prematurely here.
-Mars
Hey =]
I'm new here and was looking around and decided to read your post.
I'm not going to attempt to correct your grammar as it's not a strong point of mine, but i wanted to comment on the brilliant way you expressed the relationship between the two sisters. Victoria being perfect in everyway and Veronica seeming to be in her sisters shadow.
I definitely think it has potential though, exploring the relationship between the sisters in more depth and how their parents treat them both.
I really like the opening paragraph, as you get to see straight away that Veronica has the same problem with her self image as most teenagers, so she immediately seems like a character that teenagers can relate to which makes reading the piece easier and more enjoyable.
I'd definitely be interested in following this story.
Great job
xDudettex